


At My Best

by delaneym_15



Series: Chronicles of the Blue Paladin [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: He's got a lot going on, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, a mission gone wrong but nobody knew until it finished, am i projecting? probably, but so does the rest of the team, don't prosecute me though he's my comfort character, lance was right all along, poor boy is going through some stuff, pretty dark read if I do say so myself, they just take it out on him, they're not trying to be mean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:33:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29799543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delaneym_15/pseuds/delaneym_15
Summary: Lance thought or rather hoped, that over time being in space would get easier.He guessed it was too idealistic of him to hold out hope. Despite his proven competency, the team can't seem to see past his easy-going and joking demeanor. Electing to only see him as the goofball of the team, they push aside his concerns regarding a mission.A mistake that would haunt all of them. What have they done?
Series: Chronicles of the Blue Paladin [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1921201
Comments: 9
Kudos: 103





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hahahahaha so ummmm this is actually a shower thought that I had this morning. I then sent my roommate a very detailed list of texts spelling out this story before deciding to write it. 
> 
> Well, I never claimed to have ever had any chill

When Lance finally snaps, it isn’t in the heat of the moment. It isn’t in the middle of an argument or after he’s insulted for the millionth time. It isn't after he’s told to “just shut up Lance” once again. 

No. 

Lance prides himself on keeping his cool. It takes him a lot to get angry like that. He’s an easy-going guy, he knows that. That doesn’t keep him from getting angry, but it never goes more than that. It never gets past raised voices and regretted words. 

But his resolve is fading fast. There’s only so much he can take, and he knows he’s reaching his breaking point. His emotions aren’t as easy to reign in now, and he didn’t know if that was because of his mentality in space, or the battles, or whatever. 

Granted the team wasn’t helping, but hey, it’s whatever. He’s allowed to get angry when they cross his boundaries or do something that is actually an asshole move. They’re family, and in family, you step on people’s toes sometimes. But that’s just the thing, at the end of the day they love each other, support each other, trust each other. Being a family isn’t always a walk in the park. 

Family is supposed to hear each other out. At least Lance thought so anyways. 

“Hey guys, I’m not so sure this is even a battlecruiser,” Lance says, after staring at a holoprojection of the ship they were planning to infiltrate. Something about it seemed off, it was big as the other cruisers, but its weapons system was completely different.

“And what else would it be, genius?” Pidge quipped. Lance tried not to let the Green Paladin’s tone get to him. Everyone had been on edge lately, he tried to remind himself that she wasn’t angry at him, just frustrated in general. 

Lance took another look at the ship, Only reaffirming his theory. 

“I mean, it kind of looks like a reinforced prison transport, doesn’t it?” 

The sound of Keith scoffing wasn’t lost on Lance. Nor was the sight of Pidge’s eye roll. 

“You’re joking, right? A prison transport? Those things aren’t that big, dumbass.” 

“Pidge!” Shiro scolded. “Language!” 

The Black paladin took another look over the holo projection before speaking. “I’m sorry, Lance, but Pidge is right. Prison transports aren’t as big as battlecruisers. This is likely just a newer model that we haven’t come across before.” 

“Why would you think it would have prisoners, Lance?” Allura asked genuinely. At least the Princess would hear him out. 

Lance pressed a few holo buttons and a layer of small dots appeared on the ship. 

“Right here, the cluster in the hull.” Lance pointed out. 

“What about them?” Shiro asked, intrigued. 

“Well, it resembles the prisoner ships. The dots are life forms right? Why else would there be a cluster of them like that in one small space?” 

“Because it's a big ship, Lance.” Keith deadpanned. Lance rolled his eyes at the statement. Sometimes it felt like the only reputation he had with Voltron was being the idiot paladin. Granted he wasn’t as good at coding and hacking as Pidge, or had the mastery of engineering like Hunk. He wasn’t a strategist like Shiro or a melee expert like Keith. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t smart. That didn’t mean he didn't have his own form of intelligence. 

And it was getting on his nerves that the team tended to treat him like so. 

“Yeah Keith, I got that. But this is a common occurrence in prison ships. If we go in guns blazing like you guys want, we could be putting those prisoners in jeopardy.” 

“That’s if there are even prisoners, it could just be a bunch of guards in one place.” Lance could see where Pidge was coming from, but he had the evidence to back up his claims. All everyone else had was hypothetical. 

Why was it so hard to get the team to even think about him possibly being right?

“Hear him out, Pidge.” Hunk came to the rescue. At least he could understand what Lance was trying to say. 

“Why? We could be wasting time searching for prisoners that don’t exist just because the cargo pilot wants to suddenly be helpful!” Okay, yeah that hurt. Lance really didn’t know what he did to deserve that from Pidge. 

That was what started the argument. No more than an argument that had Shiro rubbing the bridge of his nose between his fingers, and Allura raising her voice to silence the squabbling paladins. 

“Now, if we’ve got that out of our system,” Allura exclaimed when the room had finally quieted down. The Princess turned to the paladin that started it all. “Lance, I’m afraid that if you’re not going to take this seriously, you might as well leave.” Her tone was clipped and final. 

Baffled, Lance looked around the room. He didn’t miss the way no one would meet his eyes except for Shiro, whose eyes held an air of pity in them, and Allura’s very angry blue ones. Lance took a deep breath before spinning around on his heels and exiting the room, leaving everyone in stunned silence. 

\+ 

Keith and Shiro’s disaster of a plan it was then. 

Lance got dressed in his paladin armor, and when the time of pre-battle briefing rolled around, he made his way to his Lion.    
  


Lance was the last one in the communal hangar. The team fell silent when the doors opened and Lance silently passed them to climb into his Lion. Hunk noticed that Lance not even so much as spared a glance their way. 

Oh, Lance was beyond pissed. 

The rest of the team followed suit and soon enough they were on their way to the cruiser. Getting in was supposed to be easy, of course, nothing ever really goes to plan. 

They had been spotted a lot farther away than they expected and getting onto the ship was one of the most difficult things the team had ever managed to pull off. They quickly knew that they were in way over their heads. 

There were a lot more senteries than they expected. They had only ever seen this many senteries on prison ships. 

How bizarre. 

Lance knew it, He fucking knew it. Quickly, the Blue Paladin pulled up the schematics of past prison ships and ran, far away from the battle and deep into the heart of the ship. The sounds of his team fighting ringing through his comms. Shouts and orders filled overwhelmed his ears as he searched and searched and searched. 

Eventually, he made his way back to the team. Just in time. He shot down a sentry coming straight for Keith’s back, which of course the mullet left wide open. He focused on taking down the bots, rolling to the side when one got a bit too close for comfort before getting right back up and resuming his shots like nothing had happened. 

He hated how second nature it had become to fight like this, but he needed to. He needed it to survive and look out for his friends. He took down two that attempted to overpower Shiro and made sure to keep an open route to get them the hell out of there. 

Not a second too soon, Pidge had finished and Lance worked with Hunk to practically escort the team to their lions. 

The mission was a success. Well to them anyways. Lance on the other hand hadn’t spoken a word. Not a single peep. 

There was no “good job guys!” or some cocky joke about his own greatness. Not even a laugh. 

“Hey, Lance. You okay? You’re not hurt or anyth-” 

Lance shut his comms off completely. He was in no mood to listen to the worried ramblings of his best friend. He’d only say something he knows he’ll regret. 

\+ 

“Guys, something is wrong with Lance!” Hunk’s panicked voice came over the comms. 

No, no this can’t be happening. Keith’s mind was going a thousand miles an hour, this was his mission. He led this mission. If anything happened to any of his teammates it's on him. And worse, it was to one team member that questioned his plan! Guilt and shame overwhelmed the Red Paladin as he thought about what must have happened to Lance. 

“Hunk, calm down. I need you to tell me what’s wrong?” Shiro, the ever-level-headed leader asked. Though the Black Paladin hoped his voice didn’t give way to any fear he was feeling at the moment. “Is he hurt? What did he say?”

“That’s the thing. I tried to ask him if he was okay and he wouldn’t even let me finish my question. He just shut his comms off!” Hunk’s words came out hurried and fearful. 

“Did he look hurt?” Shiro asked, confused as to why Lance would even do this. Why would he just shut Hunk out like that? 

“N-no, I don’t think so b-but” 

“So Lance is throwing a tantrum because he was wrong, is what you’re saying.” Pidge interrupted. She was beyond tired of Lance and his moods. Maybe it was because he had been reminding her so much of her own brother Matt. She didn’t know if that was the case, but she did know that her annoyance definitely increased tenfold after the most recent failure in her search for her family. 

Okay so maybe she was taking it out on him, but he didn’t have to be so damn annoying in the first place. 

“Pidge-” Shiro warned. 

She didn’t say anymore. Deciding it would be best just to remain silent. 

\+ 

After a long and very tense flight back to the castle, the team decided to once again land in the communal hangar. Ready to head back to the lounge for a quick after-mission debriefing, and even more eager to be sure that Lance indeed was okay, the team gathered outside of the silent Blue Lion. 

It was a few minutes before Lance finally emerged from his lion, and Hunk could practically see the smoke billowing out of his ears. 

Lance wasn’t hurt. 

No, this was worse, much worse. 

Lance was pissed. 

The Blue paladin stomped down the ramp, his footfalls echoing through the large room. His helmet had been removed, clutched so hard by his hand that his knuckles had turned white. 

“L-Lance” 

In one swift motion, Lance lifted his helmet and chucked it across the room. The metal banging loudly against the walls, and the plexiglass shattering on impact. The rest of the team stood in stunned silence. It was all they could do. 

Staring with wide eyes at the one paladin that never got angry. Barely ever seriously raising his voice. This was new territory for all of them. 

Shiro was the first one to come too, wanting to try and diffuse the situation as quickly as easily as possible. Shiro reached out for Lance’s shoulder, a motion that any other day would have been reassuring. 

Shiro was no stranger to making mistakes. He’d be the first to admit that, and this was most definitely one of them. Lance spun around so quickly, Shiro didn’t even have time to comprehend what happened until he ended up on the ground. Only then when he felt the excruciating pain in his eye did he realize his mistake. 

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Lance shouted, glaring down at Shiro. 

The Black paladin sputtered. His head pounding but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the tall boy towering before him. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Shiro could see Hunk struggling to hold Keith back. Good, it was clear no one knew how to deal with this kind of Lance and he most certainly didn’t need anyone else making it worse. 

“Lance-” 

“No! You think you can just say a few nice-sounding words and make this better? You don’t get to comfort me when it was your mistake!” Lance’s voice bellowed through the hangar, each word getting louder than the first. “I’m tired of this bullshit!” 

The team watched as Lance turned and retreated out of the hangar. 

“What the hell is his problem?” Keith yelled, having half a mind to hunt the Blue Paladin down and give him a piece of his mind. He probably would have too if Hunk wasn’t still holding him back. 

“He was right,” Coran said solemnly. No one had even noticed the Alteans enter the hangar. 

“W-what do you mean?” Hunk asked. “Right about what, Coran?” 

The Altean said nothing, he simply motioned for the team to follow him as he made his way to the bridge. Coran approached the console and silently brought up the large holo projection of what the rest of the team could tell was the most recent footage of their mission. More accurately, Lance’s footage. 

Coran pressed play. 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> annndddd here's part two. 
> 
> Hope you guys are enjoying the story so far, it was originally just supposed to be a one-shot but ya girl definitely got carried away so whoops!

There were yells and commands everywhere. Shots ricocheted off the metal walls of the cruiser, the sounds echoing through the hallway the team had just entered. Lance was breathing heavily, murmuring the same words over and over again. 

“I fucking knew it.” 

This wasn’t a battlecruiser. This was a prison. The number of guards gave that away easily. 

Lance looked around at the battle, yeah, they could definitely handle this. Lance dodged a few bullets trying to take cover behind a corner. Satisfied with his position, Lance pulled up a schematic of one of the most recent prison ships they had infiltrated. Synching it to the one he had of this specific ship, Lance could see that it was essentially the same layout, just bigger. Which meant it would take him a while to get to the hull. 

He just hoped a while wouldn’t be too long. 

Lance took off, hoping to any higher power out there that he could save as many as possible. He may not be able to save all of them, but at this point, he’ll take what he can get. 

He just wasn’t expecting the ship to be so big. After a few wrong turns and the dreaded feeling of being lost later, Lance found himself right where he needed to be. 

But in no way could he have been prepared for the sight before him. 

The Blue Paladin was met with blood-splattered walls and the lifeless bodies of the prisoners. They didn’t even look like beings. Just broken dolls drowning in colorful blood. Their faces contorted into silent screams. 

All silent, except for one. Down the hall, a prisoner screamed as a Galra guard plunged a longsword into them. The other two guards holding the prisoner up and in place. 

Lance would never forget the hollow scream. The sound of metal slicing flesh would haunt him til the last of his days. In a split second, Lance had gunned down all three of the guards. Each receiving a carefully placed headshot. 

The prisoner yelped as they fell to the floor, the sword no doubt jostled by the impact. Lance wasted no time in hurrying over to them. 

It was only then that Lance understood the true reason the guards were holding up the prisoner. What remained of their legs had been crushed, the pink bone sticking out every which way. There was a sizable dent in their head that Lance could see clearly. 

They weren’t going to even make it to the castle. 

He isn’t sure if the head trauma or the blood loss will do him in, but he does know that it will be a long, painful death. 

So he does the only thing he can. Lance takes a deep breath, simultaneously switching his bayard from assault rifle to pistol. 

“Please.” he hears them beg, reaching out for him. “Please, help me.” 

And he does. 

Lance raises the gun, his hand steady as he points the barrel true. The prisoner doesn’t react. Only closes their eyes. 

He pulls the trigger. 

He only takes a moment to take it all in. Slowly lowering the gun, he looks around himself. Looks at the blood, the bodies, the tears. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, ever so slightly into the silent hall. 

He was too late. 

Just like that, the moment was over. The Blue Paladin collected himself, shifting his bayard back to its rifle forms and heads back to his friends. 

\+ 

To put it simply, the team was horrified. But even they knew that seeing it on a screen was a lot different from seeing it in person. 

Suddenly, their mission success didn’t feel like a success at all. 

Now they knew. 

“I think we all owe Lance an apology,” Allura spoke softly. She had never felt more ashamed of her choices than now. They should have listened, they should have at the very least considered it. 

If it had been Keith, or Hunk or Pidge who voiced the same concerns would she have turned them down so easily? Would she have been so easily dismissive had Shiro or Coran said the same? 

Why was it only to Lance? A Paladin who on multiple occasions had proven himself to be just as capable as the rest. Maybe even more in some cases. Lance thought differently, saw things differently than the rest. Focused on aspects that would likely go unnoticed to most of the team. 

Shiro was more concerned with the fact that Lance had quite literally just killed someone at point-blank range. The boy of barely 18 had killed four aliens on screen, each with no hesitation. How many had he been forced to kill before? How many more will he have to? 

Shiro knew it was wishful thinking to believe that he would be able to protect these kids from the true horrors of this war. They were soldiers and not every battle would be against purely robotic sentries. 

Looking around the room, he saw the very same horrified expression on the rest of his team. Good, at least most of the team had been spared from having to make such a decision. It was selfish of him to find solace in that, knowing that Lance wasn’t so lucky, but Shiro would have to celebrate the small victories on this one. 

Which was why after a talk with the team, and a quick trip to the medbay, Shiro found himself standing outside Lance’s room. He steeled himself, hoping that with time Lance may have calmed down enough so that they could have something that resembled a conversation. 

Grounded, Shiro knocked twice on Lance’s door. No response. 

He knocked again and again received no response. 

There was the possibility that Lance wasn’t in his room, but there was also the possibility that he just didn’t want to talk to anyone. 

As much as Shiro would have liked to just give up and call it a day, he knew that he could never be able to live with himself if he just retreated. So against his better judgment, Shiro punched in the over-ride code. 

The door whooshed open revealing a brightly lit room. Shiro gasped at the sight. The room itself was fine, a few broken things here and there, but it was the open door to the ensuite bathroom that concerned him. Stepping into the bedroom he could see glass littering the floor, crimson staining a good portion of it. 

The shower was going, or at least, he could hear water running. So Shiro followed the sound. 

He walked into the bathroom, careful of the glass, and turned towards where the shower stood. A curled-up Lance sat against the wall of it, still in his undersuit of armor. The water pouring down on him, still mixing with the blood from his hand. 

Shiro sighed, kneeling next to the boy. “Oh, Lance.” 

It took a bit of coercing but Shiro had finally got Lance up and out of the shower. Shiro was thankful for the fact that every room had a first aid kit and soon after bandaging Lance’s hand up Shiro was able to convince Lance to come to the kitchen with him. Hoping a cup of cocoa would at least warm up the paladin who had been sitting under freezing water for god knows how long. 

So dried, dressed, and bandaged, Lance walked with Shiro to the kitchen. Saying nothing. Shiro made the cocoa in silence as Lance sat at the counter, his gaze still as far away as when Shiro had originally found him. 

It wasn’t until Lance had the warm cup in between his hands that he spoke. 

“I’m sorry Shiro.” The Black Paladin had never heard Lance sound so quiet, so broken. He immediately set his ug down. 

“No, lance you don’t have to apologize.” 

Lance laughed at that, a sound so hollow it made Shiro wince. 

“Shiro, I literally punched you. You have a black eye to prove it.” Lance pointedly looked at his team leader. 

“Yeah, you did.” There was no denying that. Not even the pain relief balm Coran had placed on the skin was able to get rid of the pain. But now he knew why Lance did it. “Lance, I should be the one apologizing to you. I should have listened to you.” 

Lance scoffed. 

“When have I ever given you a reason to?” he asked. 

“Lance, you are a part of the team. We wouldn’t even be here without you.” 

“Yeah, and we’d all probably be a lot better off,” Lance said coldly. 

Shiro took a deep breath before leaning over the counter. His eyes capturing Lance’s.

“Hear me when I say this. You are important. You are vital to this team, to Voltron. No one deserves to be pushed to the side the way you were today. No one deserves to have their worst nightmare become a reality. You do not deserve any of the pain that this war has brought you.” 

“Shiro-” 

“Let me finish,” Shiro said, holding up his index finger. When he was sure Lance would say nothing further he continued. “You are still young, and under no circumstance should you be expected to be a perfect soldier. You’re not one, and honestly, you should pride yourself on that. You don’t just take orders. You think about them, question them when they don’t add up.” 

“Lance, you were right today. And you deserve to hear that. It was my fault for not considering your concerns, as a leader it is up to me to consider everyone. I’m ashamed that though I don’t mean to, I have been playing favorites. I listened to Keith and Pidge when I should have listened to all of you. And I am sorry, from the bottom of my heart I am sorry. I’m sorry for asking you to take part in a war that you had no part in, and asking you to leave your home and your family. I’m sorry for asking this of you at such a young age and forcing you to take the lives of others. I am so, so sorry Lance.” 

Lance’s silence was something Shiro was sure he would never get used to. It felt wrong. Lance was supposed to be loud and obnoxious. Bouncing from wall to wall with that never-ending energy. 

Shiro had once thought of Lance as the most well-adjusted of the paladins. Nothing ever seemed to faze him like the others. He knew now how wrong he was. Lance saw the worst, experienced the worst. 

He was scared. Shiro was scared - no, terrified - Shiro was terrified of what it meant for Lance to continue. Of how destroyed this war will leave him. Lance, the brightest light of all the paladins, no doubt the glue that was holding them even remotely together. Shiro had already lost himself once, how much longer could Lance hold out? Or was he already just as broken. It was clear that the boy was holding onto his emotions with a grip that could rival Shiro's Galra arm. Who's to say Lance wasn't already at his breaking point. 

It was then that Shiro felt a hand fall gently on his shoulder. He hadn't even realized that he had closed his eyes, nor how deep in thought he had got. Looking up, Shiro noticed the lack of haze in Lance's eyes. They were crystal clear now, focused, present. 

“I forgive you.”

  
  



End file.
